Recently, ThinkGeek reported that the National Pork Board in the United States brought forward a cease and desist order against a completely false product, Canned Unicorn Meat.
But I have been in contact with confidential sources who have confirmed that this report is not entirely true, and they have also revealed a truly stunning conspiracy. This hideous product, Canned Unicorn Meat - The Other Other White Meat, is not in fact a false product, but is very real, and is shipped all over the world. It is routinely consumed by Asian men seeking increased virility and by those enslaved to the black arts: witches, voodoo priests, tribal shamen, and marine biologists. And my source for this information is, believe it or not, the unicorns themselves. I was approached in a glade in which a rainbow appeared to end, where I was seeking a new species of clover. I was sought by these ethereal creatures in earnest desperation. And I promised to tell their story to the world.
They asked me to publish an open letter to the National Pork Board. I do so here.
Dear National Pork Board,
We want to make sure that you, the pork board, understand that we unicorns are in fact real. And we are also sentient! We do not appreciate being turned into canned meat.
Do not pay attention to the "sisters" at Radiant Farms. They are not "sisters" in the convent sense, but sisters in the coven sense. They do not ease and comfort us into our final stages of life as they claim - they poke and prod and measure us for coats. They keep us in chains and cages and then boil us in cauldrons. They are witches!
Please continue your legal efforts to stop their wicked enterprise. We fully and completely support your efforts to end this vile practice! Save us!
The Real Unicorns